Baaa!

Your aura shines Blue!

What Color Is Your Aura?
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Baaa!

Your aura shines Blue!

What Color Is Your Aura?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Because I’m Being a Sheep and Following the Crowd

Mmm, do I really need a girlfriend?

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me
videre?
“Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you
just glad to see me?”
You’re smooth, okay, but you also need a
girlfriend. Bad.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
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Because I’m Being a Sheep and Following the Crowd

Mmm, do I really need a girlfriend?

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me
videre?
“Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you
just glad to see me?”
You’re smooth, okay, but you also need a
girlfriend. Bad.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
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Protected: The Morals Debate

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The Morals Debate

Two contrasting views –

Says it all really

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Protected: A Friendship Dissected, Chapter 3 – Troubled Waters

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A Friendship Dissected, Chapter 3 – Troubled Waters

Title: A Friendship Dissected, Chapter 3 – Troubled Waters Characters: Stephen/Jack mainly Rating: PG-13 Spoilers for Post-Captain Disclaimer: Characters borrowed from Patrick O’Brian & his heirs on a non-profit basis “Stephen, shove over, turn on your side a little.” It was close to the beginning of the morning watch. Jack was standing over Stephen’s cot pushing him a little, to get him to turn on his side. “Jack what are you doing?” “I want to get in with you, move a little so I can fit.” “Ooph! Jack I swear your growing more obese every day. More exercise and less food should be your watchwords. I fear the hammock will break.” “Stop being a grump and turn round and kiss me. I want to indulge in some exercise, some highly enjoyable exercises with you my plum, if you are in the mood.” Bending to kiss Stephen, he pulled him closer to him, pressing his body firmly to his. After he felt some slight resistance, he permitted Stephen to pull back, “Mmm, too early.” “Well at least a kiss and a cuddle, Stephen, never too early for that.” Stephen obliged with a few sleepy kisses and caresses and laid his head against Jack’s shoulder. “There are advantages having you in my cot, I will admit. As you have to lie on your side to fit, you don’t snore so I can sleep. You weren’t snoring last night. Did you sleep?” “Not too well. I kept thinking about that horrible time and how miserable we all were and how pathetic I was. But I did stumble onto one nice memory of that time!” He pulled back a little and grinned down at Stephen and then bent his head and kissed him again, using a little more pressure and stroking Stephen, hoping to engender a more aggressive response than Stephen’s current sleepy, languid mood permitted. “Do you know what it was?” “Hmmm, no I’m sorry you must tell me, your kisses have distracted me.” “Oh fie! Have you no memory of them at all. Don’t you remember that was the time, just after I was made post, when we were on The Lively. That was the first time I kissed you. Have you forgotten entirely, did they signify nothing?” “Yes Jack I remember them. Very sweet and tender they were too. Nothing of carnality in those kisses, your attempts to comfort me were so precious and you made me feel so cherished. You held me so gently, delicately as if you thought I would break apart. They were one of the sweetest memories of that time. Not that there seemed to be much that did bring cheer to me then. I was decidedly bleak.” “Without carnality? It may have been on your part, but there were a few rather carnal thoughts going through my mind. I remember having a few thoughts when I kissed you, about how soft your lips were. I couldn’t imagine a man’s lips being that soft and the skin on your face, neck and hands, soft too and I started to wonder how the rest of you felt but I wasn’t sure why? Just dismissed the thoughts and just stuck with the kissing; didn’t want to frighten you or make you think I lusted for your body. You were my friend who certainly wouldn’t want that sort of thing. A man decidedly interested in women, or should I say a particular woman and would have not been interested in some crusty and scarred old war-horse like me. Or so I thought.” Jack smiled at the memory. “Why weren’t you frightened off by the kissing? Most men would have been offended or have thought it decidedly queer or odd behaviour on my part? Especially when I continued to do it, long after I knew the initial hurt had subsided and you were more yourself.” “Maybe because I knew that you loved me and I too assumed your interest lay solely with women. You were my friend and you had apologised to me over and over, till I had begged you to stop. You wanted to comfort me, take away the pain and it did comfort me and I grew to like it and look forward to it. Why did you continue kissing me by the way?” Stephen looked quizzically at Jack and took the hand that was stroking his face in his. “There were times that I could see you were so blue. You pretended that you were all right but there were times I could see the strain and unhappiness. I had to try to comfort you, but you didn’t want to talk about it, I could tell, so I thought kissing you and holding you was the only thing I could do.” He shrugged and smiled again. “But then I started wanting more, more than those sweet kisses. Can I have something more now?” “No, it is too close to dawn and I’m sure that some young midshipman will come charging into the cabin requesting your immediate presence on deck to impart to your officers some esoteric nautical knowledge that only a commander of your excellence must possess. Educational as it maybe, for the young man to find his captain and the ship’s surgeon in flagrante delicto, I do not think it wise that you expose yourself to even a hint of scandal, this close to your accession to the dizzying heights of an Admiral of the Blue. By the by, you must explain to me the significance of the colours, why Red or White is perceived as being superior to Blue?” With that Stephen wriggled and attempted to extract himself from Jack’s arms and the by now swaying cot, without much success. Jack held him tight saying, “Doctor, I believe you have no respect whatsoever for naval rank and privilege. So unbecoming in an officer and a gentleman I find. I shall have to take greater personal attention to your instruction in these matters, if you are to reside permanently on a flagship. The men there take rank, very seriously. Perhaps I shall lock you in this cabin and instruct you on the proper obedience to your superior officer, in all things. No clothes allowed, food and wine and music provided of course and in return…” He started rubbing his body up and down against Stephen, kissing and licking his neck. “Ouch, Stephen will you stop that god damned pinching. Do you intend to cut me off in my prime?” “Well if I must contend with brute force to extract myself from this cot? Come now Jack no more nonsense.” He looked rather stern now and Jack released him and steadied him as he rolled from the cot. He began dressing hurriedly and muttered to himself, “I haven’t completed my diary entries and have to make a list of the medical stores that are running low, so that we can restock in Buenos Aires.” He scraped his fingers through his hair and smiling at Jack, kissed him and said, “You can go to sleep without my presence to distract you. I shall see you at breakfast.” Jack rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but the little time he had spent with Stephen in his cot had whetted his appetite for him, though those damn sharp pinches had certainly dampened his ardour somewhat, but not enough and as he contemplated Stephen and what he would like to do with him, he began rubbing and squeezing himself; imagining Stephen lying in the cot underneath him, pink and fevered with arousal, crying out for him, for more of his touch. He came with a shudder as he imagined Stephen kissing him fiercely and yielding to him, coming with all the passion that Stephen was capable of expressing. He rolled on to his back and thought, ‘What a passionate creature Stephen is. You wouldn’t think it, but this man when he loves is consumed by it, totally devoted to the object of his passion. I have been so lucky to be the centre of his devotion for so many years. I only occasionally had to share him with Diana. What a miserable creature I was when I crossed his hawse over her. Every time her presence was conjured by a word or thought of her our friendship suffered. Mentioning her called up anger, jealousy and hurt feelings in both of us and I felt the coldness descend on him and I was looking at him, a stranger, his heart and all its warmth shuttered, closed off to me. And it hurt, it hurt being deprived of my only source of comfort and counsel when I was so confused and unhappy about Sophie and Diana and my miserable financial situation and my career. God I depend on him so much, what shall I do if he leaves me?’ But then that was the time when I discovered new depths to Stephen, a different Stephen, and a more powerful and dangerous Stephen. This other Stephen, this Stephen that frightened me just a little, a Stephen that was remorseless and determined, and was perfectly capable of cool and decisive action, of killing in cold blood. When did I first become aware of this ‘Other Stephen’? Yes, yes it was in France. I had always been aware of his acting skills and I had laughed about his performance on The Sophie. That first time we encountered The Cacafuego, when he pretended that we were a plague ship and begged them most abjectly for help and medical assistance. His performance in France surprised me when we were on the run. He was a like a chameleon as he seemed to change completely into this rather seedy, avaricious and down at heel character of the bear keeper to fool the French. He submerged his true self behind this mask. It was then that I started to question whether “my” Stephen was the true Stephen or just another mask for him to hide behind and to fool the gullible, fool me. Even when we were alone, climbing the mountain he drove himself and me on, always ever upward. I was near dead with fatigue and he must have been too, carrying that huge pack but he was so resolved, the degree of steel in that determination that drove both of us up and over those mountains at times chilled me. Then when we were safe, on his home ground, he changed back, like the sun emerging from behind clouds, all the old warmth and my old friend, Stephen reappeared to comfort and care for me. Who was the real Stephen? Later when he initially declined to sail with me on The Polychrest, using the excuse that he had even declined Lord Keith’s offer of the post of physician to his flagship, it was then that I realised the high esteem he commanded within the Admiralty. It was in sharp contrast with my situation at the time. What had he done to earn this mark of respect? What other secrets and talents had he hidden from me? Well I discovered that soon enough when he did join me on The Polychrest, that horrible, horrible ship. I could never love her, like my other commands. She was always so unpredictable, griping and moving in odd and alarming ways in the water. Just like the course of my career and my life at the time and my dealings with Stephen. I never knew which way he would jump and even how I would react to him. I knew he was as unhappy as me on that ship, surrounded by the brutality of Parker and the bosun. Despising them and despising me for letting them rule the men through pain and terror and I never knew how he felt when I threatened him when he said he wished to leave. Why had I told him with such smug authority that I could have him arrested and clapped in irons and even flogged through the feet? I know now and knew then, that I could never have been violent to Stephen or order others to beat him. I loved him, but why did I say this to him? What malignant spirit drove me? Was I becoming someone different too, the creature Stephen fears I will become, deranged, dropsical with power? No, I was just terrified, as always that he would leave me. If he left me alone on that miserable ship, I knew something horrible would happen, everything felt wrong and I was desperate and so would use even threats of violence to keep him with me. Stephen had befriended one of the officers, MacDonald, the lieutenant of the Marines and one day on the quarterdeck put on a fine display of swordsmanship that astonished and fascinated the midshipman and amazed me. MacDonald complimented him on the deadliness of his lunge and opined he would rather not face so deadly a foe in the field. They then had a competition of marksmanship with the lieutenant’s pistols and I noticed the coldly mechanical and lethally accurate manner in which Stephen handled the pistols. I felt a chill up my spine when I realised that this man, who I had always thought of as warm, kind and somehow innocent, could be a cold and ruthless killer. He would kill with utter precision and a premeditation and coolness that would be beyond me. I could only kill in the heat of battle and I found this unexpected aspect of Stephen repellent. All my certainties that I held about myself and Stephen began to waver and crumble on that damned ship and I tried to bury myself in the technical aspects of trying to improve her sailing abilities and improve the crew’s fighting abilities, anything to divert me from the pain of seeing our friendship disintegrate before me. My doubts and hidden animosities and jealousies of Stephen and Diana all tamped down, trying not to see that this may be the end of our friendship. But the end did come on that terrible day, the day he returned after a long absence. An absence he chose to explain away with an obvious lie. It came that day Stephen confronted me about my behaviour and the risks that I ran, risking arrest, risking my career and endangering Diana to scandal by my attentions to her. I exploded in jealousy and rage and all I could see was that he was trying to deceive me. That he had such contempt for me that he thought he could manipulate me, so he could clear the way for himself for Diana. It was unforgivable, what I said, calling him a Jew and a bastard, a liar and a coward. That I called him a bastard was worse than all the rest, a jab at Stephen designed to hurt him the most. I cannot believe that in my anger I could be so mean and uncaring and that in my befuddlement and passion for this woman that I would strike out so viciously at my friend, my dearest friend, the man who I had loved the most. Of course he had to call me out, his honour was abused and he had his pride and could not ignore such a blatant and hurtful insult. With my foul temper and my jealousy and my suspicions of Stephen I thought I had destroyed it, destroyed it all. My life seemed in ruins at that point, I’d lost Sophie, Diana recently had been refusing to see me and now I had killed the one friendship that I valued above all else. Stephen’s sad response that it was odd that our friendship began and ended with a challenge, opened my eyes to my foolishness, but I could not withdraw. Like a fool my honour was at stake and this it seemed at the time was more important than our friendship. Such pride, such idiocy! Funnily enough, a man who hated me almost as much as Stephen loved me saved me from my own foolishness. Admiral Harte in a surge of spite or maybe it was just another mark of his total lack of seamanship ordered the totally unsuited Polychrest on a mission that would sink her but in the end saved me from a mutiny, exonerated me in the eyes of the Admiralty and advanced my interests considerably. More importantly, it also saved our friendship. Those hours and days after Stephen held me and urged me down to the cabin of The Fanciulla to tend me were heaven in comparison to those weeks and months of grinding misery on The Polychrest and helped heal some of the wounds we had inflicted on each other. “So dark, got to find Stephen, got to tell him I’m sorry. So sorry, didn’t mean it. I need him….” My head felt odd, dizzy and I had to find Stephen. “Shhh! My dear, I’m here. It doesn’t matter. I understand. You were upset. It’s all over now. Don’t worry, just lie back and rest. You’re hurt and you need to rest. Shhh, my love.” Stephen’s voice whispered in my ear as I felt him wrap his arms around me and rock me and gently wiped the tears from my cheeks and kissed them tenderly. “Stephen I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean those things I said. Never want to hurt you. I’m so confused about everything that’s gone on. I wanted Sophie so, that when she turned away from me, I saw Diana and well you know what a damned attractive creature she is and she did seem to like me and even encouraged me to think…. I knew somehow I knew that you liked, loved her but I didn’t want to see it. If I couldn’t have Sophie well … everything has gone so wrong Stephen. I promise I won’t see her again. She don’t seem to care much for me any more anyway. I thought it was because of you. She always praised you to the skies. So intelligent, so charming, so witty, so grown up, not like every other overgrown boy she had to put up with. I got angry with her and you. She was playing some sort of game. I don’t know what she thought she was doing but I don’t think she really cares for either of us. She was playing us for fools. No, no I’m sorry. I know you love her, probably much more than me. All I wanted was some fun. But I didn’t Stephen. Believe me Stephen just some kisses and the occasional cuddle, she wouldn’t allow any more.” I blathered on trying to explain, explain it to myself perhaps. Stephen sat there calmly, smiling a little and shaking his head. “No, no explanations. I know some of Villiers’ motivations, and yes she was playing some sort of game with us, but I haven’t been able to work out its purpose. My passions have blinded me too. I should not have let her provoke me, but it seems I am defenceless as all men are when in the power of a resolute woman, but I believe she is unhappy also and perhaps this explains some of her behaviour. I wish I knew for certain, but then she seems to have washed her hands of me too. Now since you won’t rest please eat a little and drink something. You have lost a lot of blood. You need to replace the fluids and we must re-balance your humours. You were almost drained. Come drink some of this barley water.” He cradled his hand at the back of my head and supported me so that I could drink from the cup he held in his other. It was good lying there surrounded by Stephen’s warmth and kindness again, all his attention centred on me. After a little while I drifted off, listening to Stephen’s quiet voice telling me something about the crew who were hurt, that the ship was Italian or something, no too hard to listen, so good with him still holding me, keeping me warm. I woke up cold and shivering, alone, it was dark. Where was Stephen? “Stephen, Stephen where are you? Please don’t go, don’t leave me ….” “Now hush love I was just on deck getting some fresh air. I’m not going anywhere. You’re shivering and your body is so cold, too cold. Killick! Killick! Hurry up man, damn you!” “I’m here ain’t I? What’s the rush?” “Killick the captain is very cold, we need to increase his temperature quickly. The blankets aren’t sufficient. Find a big tub, anything we can use as a bath and start heating water on the galley stove so we can give the captain a warm bath. I must increase his body temperature. Oh and is there anything hot for him to eat? Bring it straight away with some hot, milky coffee. Hurry now.” “Yes sir, right sir!” Running from the cabin he started bawling for Bonden to get one of the empty water tuns and bring it to the great cabin. In a few minutes he was back with the food. “It was already on the stove sir, water is a heating and the coffee will be up soon. Have to get someone to see if there is a goat onboard for the milk, sir. Coffee for you too sir?” “Yes Killick, thank you, hurry along now. Now Jack you must eat this while it’s hot. It’s some indefinable meat stew but it smells edible and it will warm you and give you a little iron, to strengthen your blood.” He spooned a gobbet of the brown, glutinous mess and touched it to Jack’s lips. “Open your mouth, you must eat Jack.” He urged as the cabin door re-opened and Bonden and Plaice rolled in the tub. Killick was behind them with the coffee and cups on a tray. “Water will be hot soon. Here’s the coffee and some milk, cow’s milk sir.” “Good, good, thank you. Plaice, Bonden could you help Killick carry the water in. We will need a large quantity to fill the tun. Killick bring a few towels or a sheet that we can drape over the wood of the tun, I don’t want any splinters to start any more bleeding, he has lost too much blood already. Now Jack please eat some more of this stew. You can have some coffee if you eat this up.” “I’d prefer some grog or rum!” “No, you can have some porter later on, when you take your bolus.” The door opened and Lieutenant Parker stood there and asked, “How is he sir? Do you need any more men to help with water or anything else for the Captain, doctor?” “No thank you Mr Parker, Bonden, Plaice and Killick can manage I believe. But I would be obliged if someone could discover if there is any soap on board this ship.” “Soap? All right, I’ll get one of the crew to speak to some of the Italians who are on parole, to see if they can tell us.” “Hmm, just a little more now Jack.” “Can I have some coffee, it’ll be cold.” He poured the coffee and added some of the warmed milk and handed it to Jack who looked a little less blue and the shivering was not so violent. Pouring himself coffee, he sat back and eyed Jack professionally looking for any other signs of distress. “Aah! That’s good. The one thing that Killick can do well, is brew a good cup of coffee, Stephen. Good beans.” “Well the Italians do know something about coffee, Jack. Now here comes the water, let me undress you Jack.” Plaice and Bonden returned, carrying huge vats of hot steaming water, “Have you any cold water to cool the water to warm? I don’t want to boil the Captain and what little blood he has swimming in his body.” “Killick is coming sir with some and I’ll go get some more if needed.” Bonden put the pot down. Killick came in with his pot and a sheet. They spread it over the tun and then poured the water in. Stephen rolled his sleeve up and touched his elbow to the water to test its temperature. “A little more of the cool, if you please. Good that’s fine. Ah the soap, thank you gentlemen. Bonden and Killick please stay and help me lift the captain into the bath. Come now Jack, off with your nightshirt. Now please take him gently now and lift him, right, good. Killick, please bring some more towels to dry off with. Just lie back and relax Jack, I’ll be with you in a minute.” He started to remove his clothes and was stepping into the bath with Jack when Killick returned with the towels. “Pass the soap please. It’s on the locker there. Thank you Killick. Yes Killick, is there a problem?” Stephen stared at Killick, his eyebrows arched. “No sir, it’s just …. Should I stand at the door, make sure no one comes in sir?” Killick’s face was by now the colour of beetroot. “Really Killick, don’t be such a booby! This is the most efficient way of bathing the Captain. Now yes do go and stand at the door, if you must.” Jack smiled sleepily as Stephen urged him to move forward a little so he could sit behind him. “He thinks maybe you have designs on my body doctor. He! He! He!” “Well, I have bathed you before.” Stephen smiled, as he gently soaped Jack’s back and moved his hands under his armpits and down his sides, rubbing and soothing him as he went. “I remember,” Jack smiled lazily again, leaning his head back on Stephen’s shoulder and turned his head and kissed his cheek. “Now lean forward so I can soap and rub your lower back.” “In your castle in Spain, in that big marble bath, that was so good Stephen. You were running up and down those stairs to get the water and heaving me up and into the bath. Tired you out, even before you began bathing me.” “Well you did look somewhat surprised when I got in with you I remember. Did you think I had designs on your body then, Captain, hmm?” He stood up and Jack made a small noise of protest at the withdrawal of Stephen’s hands and body from his. “I’m just moving to the front, to soap you there and your legs.” “I remember the sun streaming in from the broken part of the roof, the rays showing the steam rising from the bath, shiny dots also sparkling all around us. There was a particular shaft of sunlight surrounding you and you looked all golden and tanned with the sparkles surrounding you. Like an angel!” “Mmm! Celestial was I? I did not feel particularly angelic at the time, just devilishly tired. Now Jack just lean back against the side and I’ll soap your chest and stomach.” Which he did in firm, comforting strokes and Jack wondered if he would wash anywhere else. Jack thought, ‘I’ll just pretend to doze off, see what he does.’ When Stephen looked up and saw Jack relaxed and smiling and asleep, he stopped and moved his hands lower, hesitated a minute, soaped his hands and gently picking up the flaccid organ and began gently rubbing it between them, looking quickly up into Jack’s face. ‘Mmm, I could do with a little more of that, but no if he does I might start to stiffen, no don’t want that to happen. Good he has stopped… he’s washing, oh between my legs. That’s ticklish. Stephen don’t do any more, just stop or this will be very embarrassing. Oh God, don’t let anyone come through that door. Stephen would be mortified. He’s just cleaning me.’ Stephen stopped, stood up and turned around. Jack peeked out from under his lowered lids and saw Stephen’s back and raised bottom directly in front of him as he continued washing his legs. “Nice firm little buns! I would like to stroke them! Oh God, what am I thinking! This is Stephen my friend he would think I’m some sort of pervert if he knew what I was thinking. I’ll just close my eyes and not think about them, but oh his hands feel good on my legs and on the inside of my thighs, so good.’ “Jack, Jack turn over, I have to wash the back of your legs,” Stephen nudged Jack till he did. “Are you awake Jack? Lift your head, that’s right or you’ll drown in the bath.” “Mmm, that’s good Stephen, can you rub a bit harder on the backs of my legs there. Relaxes me so.” “Your muscles there were rather tense, now Jack you really should lose weight. Your posterior is so wide and heavy still, you will not be able to haul yourself up the rigging at this rate.” He began massaging and soaping Jack’s bottom and lower back, with quick, firm strokes. The remarks did nothing to lessen Jack’s growing feelings of arousal at his touch. ‘God I need a woman, I’m fantasising about old Stephen now.’ “Let’s look at your feet. Good, Killick left a sponge. Maybe it will get some grime off them. He then sponged and started to stroke and massage his feet, the actions eased Jack’s tension and he relaxed again until he did start to drift again. Stephen stretched forward again and moved his hands up and down Jack’s arms, brushing them lightly, so as not to disturb him and then leant up and gently washed and rinsed his face, kissing him lightly on the forehead when he finished. “Look at me, I’m a bit grubby myself. I may as well take the opportunity of fresh hot water and bathe as well.” Jack opened his eyes and looked as Stephen stood and started sponging himself down, his shoulders, his chest and flat stomach, taking himself in hand and washing himself there and continued scrubbing down his legs. This was not good. Jack was feeling those same feelings causing his cock to twitch as he looked at Stephen touching his own body and thinking, ‘Would I like to touch him there?’ Stephen glanced up and looked a little puzzled at Jack’s strained expression. What little blood Jack possessed was now gathering in Jack’s face. “Is something wrong Jack? Do you feel pain Jack?” He asked innocently, unaware of Jack’s arousal. “Oh, no. Do you want me to scrub your back? Sit between my legs and I’ll scrub.” Too late, he stopped and thought, ‘Just don’t lean back against me Stephen, not until things calm a little down there.’ Stephen sat as directed and let him soap and wash his back. When Jack was finished, he turned his head and smiled and said “Thank you, Jack” He then stood and called out to Killick, “Killick could you bring some more warm water just to rinse off with?” He sat down and touched his hair saying, ‘Should wash this as well.” “Here let me do it,” Jack smiled, took the soap again and lathered it up as Stephen poured cold water over his head. He got him to sit back as he moved his hands through his short, auburn crop of hair, rubbing his skull with his fingers firmly and then moving his hands down to the neck and massaging the muscles there. Stephen sighed a little and began to relax as he felt the hard fingers ease the tension that had been in his neck muscles. Jack then picked up the soap and lathered again and washed Stephen’s face, and was nearly finished when Killick walked in. “Here’s your water sir.” Killick darted in, avoided looking at either and darted back out again. Stephen laughed silently, his shoulders moving up and down the only sign of his silent amusement at Killick’s discomfort. “Mmm, I should wash your hair as well, what is left of it after I shaved most of it off.” He stood directly in front of Jack, his groin only slightly above Jack’s line of vision as he bent and started lathering the remains of Jack’s pigtail and little remaining scalp hair. Rubbing his neck as he felt Jack tense again. “Are you all right, is the wound on your head or back hurting you again?” “No, umm yes just a little.” At the same time thinking, ‘Thank God he’s looking at the top of my head and not anywhere else at the moment. I wish he’d move behind me so I didn’t have to look at his private parts so close. Never felt this way before when I’ve seen them, must be the head injury, affecting me.’ Jack squirmed, “Why don’t you look from behind, see it more clearly in the light.” “Yes, yes of course. No it looks all right. There is no pus or inflammation there. Come Jack can you stand or will I get Killick to come and help?” “No just need to get a little leverage from the tub and if you support my arms I think I can get up.” Stephen quickly bent to retrieve the pot of water Killick had placed beside the tub and poured most of the water over Jack and the rest onto himself, his other arm outstretched offering support to Jack. “There, done. Lean on my shoulders now, lift your leg and there, sit on the edge there and bring the other up and around good. Sit there and I’ll towel you off. You feel warmer, good. Now lean on me again and you can go back to bed. Here’s your night shirt.” Stephen quickly towelled himself dry and redressed, calling “Killick there, could you get some of the men to remove the tun and the pots and get some porter for the Captain to take with the bolus I’ve prepared for him.” Killick did as instructed and Stephen gave Jack the bolus ordering him to swallow it. The horrid smell was enough to warn Jack he wouldn’t like it, but Stephen looked stern at his hesitation and he meekly swallowed the stuff, shuddering, grabbing for the tumbler of porter to drown that god damned awful taste. Jack shuddered at the memory and smiled and thought ‘More is the pity I didn’t attempt to seduce Stephen in the bath. It would have been nice!’ Then he looked down and shook his head, ‘No, it wouldn’t have been right then, he was still too caught up and in turmoil with Diana in his head. He probably would have rejected me.’ The smile returned though as he recalled the warmth and tenderness that night. Nothing sexual, but very sensual. Stephen comforts me so, always has. If things hadn’t been wrong between us because of Diana I wouldn’t have got to that dreadful point before the raid on Chaulieu, when I almost had a mutiny on my hands. He would have been there beside me and Stephen would have helped me, advised me and I would have handled the situation, not let it spin out of control, neglected my duty. No this has to be a valid reason I can give to Stephen, a good reason for him to stay, even if it does reflect upon my own weaknesses. I still need him to advise me as a friend, temper any potential tyrannical urges I have and I do have them. It is a temptation for all men who wield absolute power. On that thought, he decided that breakfast would be a good idea, and hurried to get dressed, feeling quite sharp-set and eager for his coffee. They shared a pleasant breakfast and parted company, Stephen heading for the maintop. Away and above the bustle of the ship’s deck to clear his mind and think upon those dark and bleak days of their friendship. My feelings for Diana and Jack, they were almost the same in strength, but different in quality, different because of their sex and because of the slightly different reasons why I love them. It is that puzzle that I must attempt to resolve. It was more my reactions to Diana’s rejection of me, my feelings for her and my pride which was at the source of the problems that arose in my friendship with Jack. I allowed my feelings and resentments of Diana and Jack to cloud my judgement. I must start there to find my answers. Jack’s attraction and desire for her were sparked more from his disappointment in Sophie and his perception of Sophie’s betrayal. Villiers only had to provide a little encouragement and Jack would be snared. Intellectually I knew this and that was why I was spending my time encouraging Sophie to take her courage in her hands and approach Jack again. Face her fear of his possible rejection of her advances. Yes Sophie too displayed that fault that was in me and Jack and Diana. We were all blinded by our fear of rejection and prevented from taking action to stop those dreadful, deceitful games we were playing through pride. Too proud, all of us to admit our need, our vulnerability and desire to one another for fear of that rejection which would shatter that pride and offend our oh so precious sense of honour. Jack was afraid of approaching Sophie again and being shamed by further rejection. My fear of rejection had stopped me offering Villiers the one thing she needed to pull her out of the mire of living under the thumb of the odious Mrs Williams, marriage. Her fear of admitting her need and love for me openly forced her to use some unscrupulous means. She could not openly admit that she wanted me, so she had to use Jack as a tool, a tool to inflame my jealousy to force from me that offer of marriage that I was so fearful of making. If I had made her an honest offer, maybe she would have accepted me. Thus avoiding the whole sordid, deceitful train of events that almost destroyed my friendship with Jack. She admitted almost as much when later we met in India when in her frustration she cried out that she would never have run off with Canning if only I had made an offer to her in Dover. Sophie had urged this on me at the time, but out of fear and my false sense of honour and resentment of both of them I had held back. I remember that day in the post-chaise when I was giving Diana a lift to Brighton and inadvertently confessed I had gone out of my way to be with her and expressed a sad wish that our journey in the post-chaise together would go on forever, the closest I had gotten to make her an offer. There had been that pause, that waiting pause. Did she want me to make her an offer of marriage? Then I heard her pained forced laughter when I did not continue, when I did not make that offer, I knew I had wounded her and she would fly from me. Maybe at that point I had sealed her fate, pushed her into the arms of Canning. Through my fear and pride I had condemned her to that unhappiness. Perhaps the fact that I am a bastard, always the outsider, always considered as not quite the thing that sharpened my ridiculous pride. I had developed an acute and overblown sense of honour. This sense of honour that was so easily offended that it took, only the mildest hint of a slur directed to me, for me to issue a challenge followed by the inevitable rencontre with the offender. How many men had I wounded in such meaningless and pointless duels? Just to satisfy a point of honour. Would I have killed or wounded my dearest friend, the man who I loved most in the world to avenge my wounded pride, if we had not been diverted by Harte’s orders to go to sea? No I think I would have preferred that he shot me. At that time, I was so wretched that the thought of being killed by him seemed far better than continuing with this misery. I was calm and somehow removed from all fear and worries, when preparing for that meeting, serene in the thought that I would make it look that I had missed him by accident and then allow him to kill me. I felt remarkably at peace, I would wipe out all my pain in death and it would be at the hand of the man I loved. Such selfishness really, I could not see that in committing suicide, I would leave Jack alone and anguished, horrified by the fact that he had my blood on his hands. No I was too wrapped up in my own misery to see or think about anyone else. After I had issued my challenge, all on board knew that I was no longer on speaking terms with the Captain, the life I knew at sea changed. No longer was I a part of the ship’s company and I felt isolated, cocooned in my misery, unable to relieve my sorrow. Separated from others by some unseen barrier I could not cross. The men were not unkind, but as I had offended the ‘emperor’ of the ship and no longer enjoyed his favour I felt them draw away from me, wary of me. At the same time, I began to attract those who saw me as a potential saviour from the barbarities of Parker. They knew I was Irish, Catholic and I spoke French and were aware of my anger and loathing of the cruel treatment meted out to them. The whispered conversations I heard in the Irish and the Gaelic horrified me as I began to understand that they thought they could recruit me as a potential leader against the other officers, support them in their wish to escape from the tyranny of the service, escape to France. I had never felt so alone. I ponder now the extraordinary loneliness of each man and the inadequacy of language in breaching that gap and attaining true communication with one another, only making that loneliness more poignant. I have seen men as independently existing soul-pearls, reflecting in their lustre the moods and emotions of their companions and emitting their own radiance to be reflected back by their companions, but hard polished and shiny, unable to really merge, doomed to just reflect, never to establish true communication. These last few days before I spoke to Jack about leaving that was how I felt trapped within my hard shiny surface, reflecting back my companions thoughts and feelings but not truly being touched or touching them. It reminds me of the loneliness I felt then, made more acute in that it was experienced and felt more cruelly among a crowd of men, packed into a tiny ship. The sense of frustration and helplessness was overwhelming. But does Jack feel that same helplessness every working day, where through the rigidity of the rules of the service he lives in a rarefied and isolated world. Unable to step out of his appointed role, the revered but unapproachable ruler of this floating world. How much harder it must be for Jack, a sociable man, a friendly man deprived of the warmth and contact of friends and equals. Now I’m asking him to accept my leaving him, depriving him of his one source of warmth and comfort and for what? For my pride, because I want to acquire some worldly prestige or honour in the world of natural science, no longer content to work behind the scenes to accomplish aims but wanting to shine on my own account and not in his reflected glory. How pitiful this seems, but this is the fate to which I would be abandoning him, his isolation even more acute as an admiral. As a captain there is the occasional chance of meeting and socialising with fellow captains and friends but as an admiral there are even smaller opportunities of experiencing the warmth and comfort of friends. Am I so selfish I would leave him so alone? Stephen at this thought shifted uneasily where he sat and wiped the tears that sprang to his eyes at his thoughts. No I cannot condemn my love to this fate. I won’t commit the same sin of pride, not again. Did I also abandon Diana because of pride, abandon her to the unhappy world of the demi-rep, the fallen woman who are preyed on by the likes of the Cannings and Johnstons of this world. The fact that Diana shared with me that same sense of being an outsider also made me more understanding of her, made her feel that she could talk freely with me about anything, a true meeting of mind and spirit. She could understand me more thoroughly than Jack and I knew this from the very beginning. I could deceive Jack but not her sharp eyes that seemed to look into my soul and knew me. It was frightening and exhilarating at the same time to be known by someone. She knew she could talk to me as a friend, knew I would always talk to her and treat her as an equal, respect her and would never seek to possess her or treat her as other men treat their wives. I would never treat her as a chattel, something to ornament my arm. She possessed courage, a sharp darting courage combined with such natural grace that she enchanted me from the first time I’d seen her on horseback, in that field. The grace of a hawk, wild, sensitive, ready to fly off at the least hint of disdain and yet when confronted willing to fight and tear at you with a courage of an eagle. That untamed element that she shared with all wild creatures drew me to her, but her passionate attachment and joy in life made my soul sing. I would have given anything to experience that type of joy then. My life had seemed so full of sadness and then the only, other source of joy in my life, my friendship with Jack had been blighted by the deceitful games we were playing, the three of us. But when I saw her that last time, at the opera and saw how she behaved with the Prince’s parasites, the obvious, contrived and conscious movements of grace, designed to tempt and seduce and vulgar in the extreme. I was shattered. Had I done something to help destroy all those qualities that I had treasured so much in her or had I imagined them? It was the one of the most traumatic experiences of my life; I was suffocated by the painful emotions caused by the loss or destruction of this precious being. But then Jack was telling me this morning of happier thoughts, thoughts on our time on The Lively. I was pleased and happy for him when he had been given The Lively and I was determined to put all that bitterness behind us, determined to forget Diana and restart my life, my friendship with Jack. The name of the ship seemed such a lucky omen, The Lively. He had been made post and things seemed to be looking up at last. Perhaps she would enliven both Jack and myself, reawaken joys that had been lost. Yet there was still some reserve between us, a desire on Jack’s part to please me, perhaps in way of atonement and I know a very strong desire on my part to meddle, to try and arrange things for Jack and Sophie so at least two of us can experience happiness and marital love. I did this not only for Jack but also for dear Sophie as I had come to see her as something like a younger and much loved sister. As for me, I had given up on achieving marital bliss or even a close approximation to it, the idea totally crushed when I saw Diana at the opera house, utterly disillusioned with her and sunk into despair that perhaps I had only imagined her, that this was the real Diana after all. But I fear that I was a great source of embarrassment for Jack on this ship. They were a much more formal lot than the Sophies or even the Polychrests and Jack was even more isolated by the Captain/subordinate divide, made more obvious by the temporary nature of his posting and as we were still not totally at ease with each other it made it a little more difficult for him. This very formal crew viewed me as an eccentric and suffered me only for the sake of the Captain. I did not plan to embarrass him on my first boarding for I truly believed that my extremely logical attire was perfectly suited to the shipboard life. These officers stuck in their rigid and blinkered world of uniforms and proper attire, truly annoy me at times. Jack’s hurrying me into the cabin and asking me to take my suit off immediately and his unease about my impact on the crew was obvious. But after that and the little matter of the bees, things seemed to move back to a normal way of life. Jack was very affectionate and solicitous, and yes that was when he first kissed me on the lips, initiating a new stage in our friendship where there was a greater degree of physical contact, but not yet anything overtly sexual in our relationship. I saw it merely as a means of giving and taking physical comfort, in our mutual disappointments as far as women were concerned. I continued with my work in Spain, taking my leave of Jack, but reassuring him that I would be back. There I found the information I needed to help Jack and Sophie overcome the obstacles of Jack’s current penurious state. I hoped to ensure Jack’s fortune, playing God if you will, for I could not trust Sophie’s future and happiness with that awful harridan of a mother and was determined that they should be wed as soon as possible. This was at the cost of revealing my secret life and work to Jack. He, of course was not stupid and put things together when he read his orders, with my name specifically mentioned in them advising him to consult with me and of course the special Captain’s commission awarded to me for the duration of the mission. I impressed on him the importance of discretion, its deadly importance and that my life could depend on it. But it was unnecessary really, for he knew and would certainly take no risks with my safety. It took a little while for the newfound respect to abate, but it did when I experienced my first bout of seasickness in a blow on the Bay of Biscay. The awful creature was quite cruel in his teasing of me in my weakened and prostrated condition. Though I cheered for Jack’s fortune I could not but regret the utter carnage and loss of life when the Mercedes blew up. If only that damned Commodore Graham, had allowed me to negotiate I am sure I could have got Bustamente to concede with no loss of life. A happy ending to our wearying and dark journey of that last year or two? Not really, there were too many obstacles to surmount to ensure Jack’s happiness. I did not give up on him them. I cannot do so now. Stephen climbed down slowly and a little shakily from the maintop, each crewmember on the deck had his heart in his mouth following his progress, until Jack darted forward and mounted the rigging till he reached him. “Are you all right, old Stephen? You’re looking a little uncertain in your footing?” “Oh Jack, yes I suppose I am my dear, just a little distracted and upset in mind. Nothing too bad, I’m all right.” “Let me help you.” Jack said and was surprised when Stephen agreed, relaxing against him letting him lead him. “If you lean over my shoulder and hold on tight I can carry you down, though it would be a bit embarrassing for you.” “No Jack, just help me place my feet.” Following their slow progress down, Jack lead Stephen below to the cabin and called Killick to bring some brandy for Doctor Maturin. “Please Stephen you have me worried? What’s wrong?” “I’ve just realised how selfish I’ve been, how unkind to you. I am ashamed. I will not leave you. I will not abandon you again. We can stop this thoughtless, heartless experiment now. I should not have forced you to think back on times you would rather not recall. Dark times, miserable times for us, where we both behaved badly towards each other, with great unkindness.” Stephen cried out wretchedly. “I found my reason, the sole reason for leaving, pride, damnable hubris. What a pitiful excuse when weighed against all those other things that we share, I am sorry, truly sorry for hurting you so.” “Oh, Stephen you have made me so happy! But I don’t mind. I want to go on. I want to talk with you about our life together, not to find reasons for you to stay, just for the pleasure of it. For Stephen in that dark time I found some happiness, some pleasure with you and I want to find out more secrets from you. My dear for so long you’ve kept quiet, kept everything hidden, you deep old file. I want to know more and well we’re going to have to find a good “official” reason for you to remain, now won’t we?” Jack’s blue eyes sparkled with delight. Stephen laughed, shaking his head. “Only you Jack, can discover something of joy in such an abysmal time. That is probably why I love you and why I loved Diana, you both brought such joy to me, to lighten my all too gloomy heart. Pray tell me what you found that gave you pleasure from that time?” “I know this is embarrassing, but you were naked with me again. All the memories so far have you naked or in bed with me.” Jack laughed, his face reddening. “So you see me as some object of sexual pleasure, alone Jack. You don’t respect me for my intellectual accomplishments, my intelligence work, and my medical or scientific accomplishments. Am I to be a mere plaything to ornament your sybarite’s cabin?” Stephen replied archly. “Of course not you evil old creature, it’s just that those memories tend to be the ones that most easily come to mind!” “A satyr Jack, I shall start to think of you as completely steeped in debauchery and am shocked!” Stephen spoiled the effect by falling on his side on the locker bench and giggling helplessly. “I remember one good thing now, one instance of hilarity. Oh I laughed so hard, but you were not best pleased.” Killick came in with the brandy to see the doctor lying on his side gasping and guffawing, his body shaking with fits of laughter. Looking carefully at him and back at the Admiral, “Sir, is the doctor all right? Shall I get the other doctor to come and see him?” “No Killick he is just being silly! Extremely silly! Stephen sit up and drink your brandy. I’ll have a drink too Killick. Leave the bottle, we’ll serve ourselves.” After they both knocked back a shot or two of brandy, Jack looked across at Stephen and said “Well Stephen will you tell me this hilarious incident?” “Your proposal to preach a sermon on the Polychrest. I was so taken with the thought that you might start with God’s commandments to Moses in Exodus and since you had broken at least one that I definitely knew of, I was wondering how you would manage it with a straight face. I should have made an appearance at Sunday Service if that had been the text of your sermon, just to see how you would ornament the text, draw allusions and apply the laws to the men’s behaviour. It would have been highly educational, especially when it came to the sin of adultery, but then there are so many ‘must nots’ in that text I’m sure you must have transgressed at least a score of them.” With that Stephen collapsed again in an undignified heap wheezing, squeaking and loudly guffawing. “As I’m sure I said then, I am glad that the idea amuses you so much. Humph!” Jack grabbed the bottle and poured himself another drink, passing the bottle to Stephen who splashed a smaller amount into his glass. “Oh Jack! Don’t be so pompous! It is so boring! Come, won’t you tell me, what was the one incident during that time that gave you pleasure?” He entreated earnestly, though his eyes still gleamed and another fit of mirth threatened. “Well it was after we took The Fanciulla, when you were bathing me. I was having all these bizarre, well sexual thoughts about you, but you were totally unaware of them. You were just bathing me, looking after me, comforting me as you always do.” “So you did have designs on my body. Killick was worrying about the wrong person, harbouring lustful urges. There you see another commandment broken. I’m sure there is one there about not lusting after your neighbour or something like that or your shipmate.” At this point Jack grabbed Stephen and pulled him close and said, “There’s no commandment about lusting after your physician, and so I haven’t broken any.” “But I’m sure there must be something in there about doing lewd things with his body.” Laughing, he kissed Jack’s ear, and catching the lobe and bit it softly. “Well I know what lewd things I’m going to do to your body if you keep taunting me, you demon.” “And from this memory you drew what conclusion?” Stephen stared at Jack. “Oh it wasn’t that so much, but every miserable thing that happened before it. It pointed to how I absolutely, desperately needed you to be with me. Not just to ease my loneliness, but I need, will always need your advice. I know that if we hadn’t been at odds with one another, the ship would never have got into the bad situation it was in just before Chaulieu. Mutiny Stephen, I’ve never been responsible for a mutiny before. I need your advice even more now that I’m an admiral. You have to save me from becoming dull and pompous and at worse a tyrant.” “Yes, my dear, I shall prick any balloons of pretentiousness if they appear and harass you wholeheartedly if you develop a taste for tyranny, be assured of that.” Stephen reached for the bottle again. “Stephen you will be drunk at the dinner table. I will have you quite sober and correct at my board sir.” “And afterwards, how will you have me then? Hmmm! Jack.” He whispered, moving his hand up Jack’s thigh. “Extremely mellow with your thighs and your breeches loosened. Now I have to go up on deck, noon is about to be called and I need to clear my head. You sir will remain below and sober up. Give me that bottle.” The officers on the quarterdeck, Killick listening behind the door and the other crew close to the cabin were delighted to hear the Doctor’s laughter. Things must be going well; maybe he would stay after all. All faces were wreathed in smiles of relief when Jack came back on deck, looking pleased with himself and life in general. It looked like clear skies ahead the squalls had passed. “Mr Whewell I was planning at taking on water at that cove on the southern side of the strait, the one marked on that whaler’s map that we consulted yesterday. I believe with the current winds we’ll reach there by the forenoon, tomorrow. Do you agree?” “Yes sir, if no storms blow up sudden. They often do in these parts but it don’t look like it.” “Good, you’ll join the Doctor and me for dinner. You too Mr Harding and Mr Adams.” Jack smiled and all seemed right with the world. He would give Stephen a treat tomorrow, a half-day at least on shore to do some collecting. “Killick, five for dinner.” Go to Chapter 4

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Burgled from LDR

Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
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Burgled from LDR

Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Read Full Post »